This Thing Called Life.

Just some random poem I wrote.

The Mirror

Staring back at her was a woman;
Eyes vacant of expression.
Her face aged beyond her years,
Showing the scars from the battles of both victory and defeat.
This last emotional hardship was too much to take.
No loss could compare to this.
Some call this a broken heart;
She calls it a black hole.
The light was slowly escaping her face.
Her deep blue eyes began to resemble the ocean;
A juxtaposition of her youth,
When they resembled the early afternoon sky.

She hopes that time will release her pain.
She hopes that black hole will supernova and end its existence.
This loss, while not tragic, has left her relinquished.
She lost a part of herself at the crossroads,
And was only left with a reflection.
A reflection in an old mirror,
Of a woman surrendering to fate and time,
Reminiscing of moments of youth and solace.
She begs for the light to return to her eyes,
And pleads for a reflection,
Absent of vacuousness and apathy.

Can she be saved?
Can time cooperate?

She begs the mirror for empathy.
But she is to no avail.
She wants her life back.
She wants her passion back.

So…give it to her. 

Well…

I don’t have to post anything bad today. I got one of my questions answered last night, which at least leaves the opportunity of closure to begin. So, I just have to remember that I’m not his girlfriend anymore, so he will speak to me when he feels like it.

On the other hand, I need to thank my best friends in the entire world. They made this weekend so amazing..and without them, I would be so lost. I love you guys so much <3

One week

One week ago today, I was fighting back the tears from my eyes. I keep harping on it, but I’ve at least admitted why I am.

It’s now become an issue of self-closure. I want to find where everything went wrong, and I won’t be okay until I do.

I talked to him tonight. Yeah, he actually called me. I was rather surprised, because I was not expecting that he would. I did express my thoughts, after rehashing the activities of the previous four days this past week. I told him that I’m feeling hurt, and saddened, and frustrated. And I told him that hurt comes from the feeling that he just gave up on me.

He didn’t provide a response when I mentioned that, much to my dismay, and there’s still lots of hurt that I’m dealing with. I figure, though, that this school and summer reading project will give my mind things to alleviate the focus of the break up.

Hate to say it, but I’m still feeling like he isn’t as hurt as I am by it. It’s all a timing issue, and it was inconvenient for me. So I’m going to read Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer and not focus on the bad things.

Keep moving forward.

Tonight will be one week since this whole break up happened. I’m a lot better now than I was in the beginning. I’ve decided that I’m going to express myself, and talk about the pent up frustrations. I’m going to tell him what’s on my mind, which I did last night, because keeping it bottled up inside will get me nowhere.

I’m gonna use a couple verses from the song “Already Gone” by Bayside to explain my current feelings:

You, you never call
You never write me or nothing
I set myself up to fall
I was stupid, then, to try

I’m living in a lie
I’m in a fantasy world
But the hero won’t win this time
Cause my pipe dream gets flushed away

By all means I’m getting mad
That don’t mean I don’t feel sorry for you

How sad you’re gonna be
I wish I could stick around
To see your face when you realize
You’ve permanently changed

And it’s all thanks to me
I was wrong for coming here
You’ll wake alone and run around your lonely home
Look for my face, but I’m already gone

Yeah. That’s probably the best way I can describe it at this point. The fact that when I used to ask him to call, and he never did…and how hurt I always was when I waited up until 2am for phone calls. I told him time and time again to just call me and he never did. I asked him time and time to again to just make the effort. He never did. So now, as we are “just friends” like he wants, he told me he wanted to talk to me, and guess what? I got my hopes up, and he never. fucking. called.

So. I told him how it was. I told him that things seem like they’re never gonna change. It wears me down, because he made me feel so forgotten when he did things like this. Like, how can you NOT call the person you supposedly care SO much about. It’s draining.

I’m going to say this. If he wants to be friends, he needs to make the effort. Because I’m doing what I can on my end…he needs to reciprocated it for once.

Yeah…I have a lot of anger, hurt, and frustration. I’m sure I’ll get over it eventually. But it’s hard when the one person you cared about so much just downright doesn’t give a shit. If he wants me around so bad…he has to show it. Bottom line. Because I’m at the point of giving up.

We’re probably better off this way.

I’ve come full circle in the last five and a half days. I went from acceptance, to sadness, to self-loathing, to anger, to disbelief, and finally to acceptance. It was a faster process than expected, but I’ve just grown used to the fact that this is how it’s going to be.

And everyone around me is telling me that I’m better off, and someone else will come along who accepts me. So maybe I just do need to wait. I can’t do anything else anyway.

I’m just focusing on my friendships. My two best friends in the entire world have been here for me, and they’ve made this easier. I love them so much.

Mom has been helpful, too, despite her moments of psychosis. I love her, too, and I couldn’t imagine how things would be without her.

Happy Friday the 13th, all, and I hope this day is as lucky for you as it is for me. Hey, don’t hold it against me; I’m part Italian (:

My horoscope for today.

Just because your emotions are reserved or somber today doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share them with others, Aries. Work through difficulties by processing your feelings and running them by someone close. Keep your interaction limited to just one person at a time so you don’t get overshadowed by a third party who wants to get their opinion in at the same time.

This is true. And this is what I’m trying to do.. The only problem is, I have a very difficult time sharing my emotions due to fear of judgment. And I don’t like burdening others with my dispositions. But I suppose posting my blogs on tumblr is my way of sharing my emotions.

It’s important to see how we can advance in healing wounds.

I didn’t think that I would be healed right away from this. I know it takes longer than four days to get over someone that you cared about. It takes time to accept the reality of the situation. But I need to tell myself that this isn’t fully my fault. Because, well, it isn’t.

He said when we broke up that it wasn’t much of a “fault” issue. Which, it isn’t. But what I still don’t understand is WHY did he let it get to this point? Why did he never communicate that there were issues? WHY is he worried about things that won’t happen for years to come? Questions that I will never receive answers to, but my mind still wonders why. Why, why, why.

In the beginning, I asked myself where I went wrong. I asked this even before we broke up. The few weeks of lessened communication, where he didn’t speak to me much. Now, that ‘I’ has changed to ‘it’, in terms of where the relationship went wrong. Was it because of the fact that we were on different levels? Was it the lack of communication? I mean, there are a myriad of reasons as to why this happened. But I am again presented with a crossroad:

Do I keep asking myself for answers? Or do I just move forward?

I used to have a theory. When I was younger, I felt that for every month that you dated someone, it took double the time to get over them. I mean, I dated one guy off and on for a year and a half..and the total time together probably equated to eight or nine months. And it took me from January of ‘09 to April of ‘10 to finally get over it..which is about double the time that I dated him. So if this is the case…if I dated my ex for ten months, I need to HOPE that it doesn’t take almost two years.

It also hurts, because, I never told him this, but there were some things that I had lost trust on. All the stories. All of the internships that he blew off for one thing or another. Why he never got a job. And why if he got two internships in Orlando in January/February of 2011, why did he wait until April, when the internships supposedly started, to look for jobs and apartments? I tried giving him the benefit of the doubt, but I was torn. Absolutely torn.

So, while I’ve accepted that I’ll never get my answers, and accepted that it’s over, I’m still sad. And I also wonder why if he WANTS to be friends with me hasn’t he contacted me yet? I’m confused.

But, alas, it’s been four days. And I know that I will be okay.

The message that solidifies that I’m single. And that I’m going to for sure be alone again for a very long time:

“I guess I’m writing you this because I wanted to say thank you for the enjoyable 10 months of relationship we had. I’m sorry I failed you as a girlfriend, and I wasn’t the girl you expected or wanted. I hope you get the most out of your endeavors in life, and may you find a girl that treats you in the ways that I couldn’t. Call me if you ever think about me.

-Alannah”

Yeah. It’s official. I’m alone. Day three, and I’m slowly wading my way through this ocean of sorrow. As the waves crash upon me, I wonder if the sadness ever goes away, and the melancholic feelings or reclusion will ever disappear. I’m sorry I’m not good enough. I’m not the prettiest. The most selfless. But I cared. I tried to make it work. I did everything for him. And I feel like he just gave up..

But, we did decide it would be the best thing for us, since our lives were becoming so different. So I’ve just got to count down the days until I know I’ll feel normal again.

Imagine if we had dated longer? Gosh, if it’s so painful now, what if we had dated for two years? Sigh. Well, I guess that’s the positive in this. Just care about me and love me for me. That’s all I could ever ask..

My horoscope for today.

Your home and family life may face something of a crisis or turning point today. If you and your partner have not been clear on your future direction, you may find yourselves asking where you want to go from here. A loved one may be dealing with an emotional challenge.

Wow. That’s exact. Unfortunately. =/

My GOD where did it go wrong?! What changed?! What did I do to EVER have the relationship get to this point?! Why did we have problems? How did we ever become so different? What did I do to fuck it all up…..?

I survived the first day - the absolute HARDEST day after breaking up. I did cry a bit today. Which should be expected. But no one saw the tears. Just like no one sees the ones that are now flowing vapidly down my face, just like last night. I did survive. It means I can get along each and every other day from here on out.

While I did tell a few very close friends that I was going to end the relationship, I had second thoughts after I spilled my heart out on Tuesday. I told him EVERYTHING that was on my mind. Then realized the harsh reality that we HAD changed. That there WAS something not right. And maybe I had become the wrong girl for him. Sometimes people just grow apart, and like oil and water, you can’t mix them.

Am I sad? Of course. I just gave up my heart and soul for the last year to a guy that I care about. Probably the most feelings I’ve ever felt for someone in my life. One day, something just changed. It’s hard to pin point where, but it’s just like Tom Hansen said in (500) Days of Summer:

“Did you ever do this, you think back on all the times you’ve had with someone and you just replay it in your head over and over again and you look for those first signs of trouble?”

That’s basically what I’m doing. And while we ended on good terms, it still doesn’t take away from the hole in my heart and soul. I just feel very lost and incomplete now. Like all of my worth has just….vanished.

I’m going to try my best to make it through the days without obsessing over this. I do hurt. And I do still care, but maybe just letting out here will help ease the pain. Read this or not, I really don’t care, but I need to get back to normal fast.

It’s just hard, though, when you give your strength to another person, one that you probably love, and just like that, the relationship ends. It’s like a movie, just without the happy ending…

And just like that…it’s over.

10 1/2 months of a relationship just ended. But, it was mutual. We both decided, despite of what we wanted, it would be best to separate. While we had a lot in common, just the one thing that was different separated us to this point.

Am I sad? Of course I am. Did I cry? Of course I did. But he still wants a friendship. And you know what? Maybe it is best. I just have to remember that no matter what, I am strong.

So while I am sad, I know that this will create new opportunities for both of us. We still will have a friendship. I’ll just be sad for a little. But I know I will be okay.